nina’s courage

courage – noun; the ability to do something that frightens one

One of the most inspiring things that has come out of my stint in writer’s rehab thus far is the accountability I have received from those around me.  It’s the type of accountability apparent in a rare conversation with my father who asks, “Have you been writing?” instead of “What have you been doing in Chicago?” in a tone of voice that insists I better be writing.

Or the accountability that comes in a message that says, “I’m so glad you’re writing again” from an acquaintance who knew me in my notepad and recorder carrying college days…the days when I didn’t have to tell anybody I was a writer….it was written all over me.

Or the kind that sparks from a bar conversation with a fellow alum who asks why I’m in Chicago.

And I say, “So that I can write again…”

And he replies, “Okay, well what’s the larger goal?”

i’m. writing. again.

Now what? How do I answer the alum’s illustrious question?  The question that sits Indian style at the tip of everyone’s tongue.

i’m. writing. again.

But what’s the goal?  What’s the point?  Why am I even writing again?

I’m embarrassed because this rehabilitation period, this re-birth and artistic renewal has been all about me. It’s intended to provide myself with time, to pick up the pieces of me I left behind and diligently put them back together, to reveal myself to myself.

But shouldn’t this journey take me somewhere outside of me?  Is that not the true responsibility of an artist?  Maybe that’s how I know I’m not there yet.  Maybe I shouldn’t dare yet call me or my work artistic because it’s still about me.

Or maybe I’m just scared.

When my dad asked if I’ve been writing I answered “yes” then went on to quickly tell him about all of the other creatively therapeutic ways I’ve been spending my time. And when I said I’ve been listening to and studying Nina Simone I could hear his smile over the phone as he suggested all of the ways in which she and I are similar women.  He did this before I could confess my admiration for her and explain our commonalities and proclaim why I think we are soul mates.  He saw a little bit of Nina in me without me having to point her out and that made me really proud.

But the truth is, I wish I were just like Nina.

I wish that in all of my constant channeling of Nina, I could just adopt her courage; her artistic fearlessness; her ability to write, sing, and speak about things in this world that shook her, moved her, made her cry but things so much greater and riveting than even her.

One of my current goals is to match my heart to God’s.  I talk a lot about following my heart but find myself hesitant and even fearful to do so, but I do believe once I have transformed enough as an individual and matched my heart to His, following it will not seem like a gamble and will instead be a given.

Well maybe this is precisely why I’m writing again. Maybe that’s the goal.  To write with a heart that matches God’s.  To hold a pen that transcribes messages from my heart and illustrates a reality and struggle so much larger and more beautiful than the one in my mind.

Tonight I will pray for courage like Nina and a heart like God’s.

“An artist’s duty is to reflect the times…I choose to reflect the times and the situations in which I find myself.  That, to me, is my duty…How can you be an artist and not reflect the times?  That, to me, is the definition of an artist.” –nina simone