grace – noun; the free and unmerited favor of God
Today I received a heartfelt testimony from a friend that made me feel blessed and humbled to be included on her recipient list. After reading her email, the first thing I thought was, I, too, fast-forward a year find myself growing weary again. I’m not happy with my job. I’m not happy with my love life. And yet, I thought I gave that up to God?
But as she said in her email, “The devil is a liar and he knows just how to convince me, but this time I’m holding onto my lenses. ”
I recently returned to LA after spending the first 3 weeks of my writer’s rehab in Chicago and while Chicago was everything creatively, spiritually, and companion-wise that I needed, I came back to Los Angeles, unhappy again. Almost jealous of what others accomplished in the time I spent away, and anxious to get out and move on to the next place. I always say that I have virtually no vices but travelling. I use my lack of fear to take off in an airplane and privilege of growing up with a mother who spent her paychecks on weekends in Palm Springs and Jamaica to get away from it all and do the same. But it wasn’t until a few weeks ago when my father, in a rare conversation, said calmly in reply to my tears and hysteria, “You are afraid of being happy.”
I know exactly what I need to be happy: God. And God in my heart and life is not contingent upon my job, boyfriend (or lack there of), location, or living situation. Her email made me think of a passage that my roommate last year shared with me after I tip-toed into her room frustrated that our classmates and acquaintances were getting the jobs, men, and happiness that I thought we deserved. It’s from James 4:13-17 and says,
Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn’t do it, sins.
Proverbs 3:34 says that God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. And is it not His grace that we are after? His power to reveal our hearts?
I know that if I let go of my Northwestern-trained mind to boast about tomorrow and instead reflect on the good I ought to do today, today won’t seem so dark and rainy but instead necessary to get up out of bed (God-willing) and get somewhere in life.
this. is. still. my. writer’s. rehab.
“Closer to my dreams. Getting over, I’m gettin’ higher…Sometimes it feels like I’m stuck forever and ever when I’m going higher, closer to my dreams…Sometimes you just have to let it go. Leaving all my fears to burn down…” -goapele
writer's rehab. 
love this, good to know that we are all kind of going through the same thing and it isn’t just me. Also good to know that I have a group of ladies that will bring me back to my main focus, serving god and focusing on his will and all that he has already done for me instead of pinning for what I feel I need. it’s hard to be humble coming from NU, but I’m glad I have you all that are on the same path and are all working to stay grounded. ❤ youuuuu